It's been 6 weeks since I lifted my moratorium on dating. The funny thing about that is that I haven't asked anyone out. I've been developing a bad habit. Since I've been enjoying the company of many of my friends I have become too worried to ask any of them out. I can think of a handful in my singles ward that I've kept from asking out on dates. I'm tired of not being able to enjoy someone's company anymore. Friends I have previously laughed with become distant after going on or even requesting a date.
There's a part of me that wishes everyone could just grow up. I mean this also for the other guys in the world that have trained the women I know to avoid the problem of not being interested. They become distant rather than just saying they're not interested. It would work if both parties could move on at that point. Our (everyone involved) inability to move on in the face of a declaration of non-interest is highly dysfunctional.
So, why is it that I really don't go on dates? It's not like I'm lacking the money; I just dropped more than I should have on RAID hardware for my personal server. I even have time for dates. There is something to be said about me being a goofball and an acquired taste. Some people just can't take undiluted doses of shaun.
I think I'm on to something with that last statement. There are many people I know who I will never be able to share a laugh with. There is usually a small courtesy laugh when they catch on that I'm trying to be funny, but they don't see what really is funny about what I'm saying. They will never appreciate that the nerdy shaun that they are acquainted with is part of a package that includes much more than odd quips and fits of giggling. Something that doesn't help is the fact that I meet many people when I'm on my goofball "A" game. They see me participating in advanced nonsense and don't ever see more than that.
I guess it comes down to me liking being liked. Though I'm not afraid to invoke the words of Cartman, "Screw you guys, I'm going home!". I still prefer to surround myself with people who welcome weird, nerdy, dorky, goofy shaun.
How does this relate to my dating problem? When I find friends who accept me I hate to risk creating a void between myself and them by inviting them to go on a date. This relates to a pre-existing difficulty in relating to people in general.
What I'm saying here is that if I had a way to find out interest without loosing the friends I enjoy I would be trying more. I've tried going the route of asking a lot of the women I know out and letting the odd gap form. I found myself alone and unhappy.
Here I am, no longer willing to risk enjoyable friendships with the possibility of enjoying more fulfilling relationships. The real kicker is that I know my current non-risking status is the WRONG answer. It's just that I value the people in my life so much that I hate to see them leave.