Friday, January 20, 2006

The Amazing Lord Kentos (TALK)

The Amazing Lord Kentos, or TALK if you want to shorten it a bit is what I would describe as my best friend. I would also describe him as being absolutely, completely, and in all imaginable ways insane.

So Kentos recently headed down to Guata-mailia-stana-rabia to work for a company as a wrench monkey on a drilling operation. So far he's had to build a couple of boats and make other preparations for the off shore drilling they're doing on this lake. Yesterday he apparently fought a crocodile. Yeah, he's nuts, but how many people do you know who would invite a croc onto their boat and then get rid of it? Here's his story...

Ever fought a Croc? I now have, and it was awesome!!11!!

HAHAHA now that you attention is mine lemme tell you the story of my newest weapon, croc-be-gone. You see while testing these boats I built, I took one to the mouth of a river, lo-and-behold, ye olde crocodile appears on my horizon. now I'm not one to be deliberately cruel to animals.... So I gunned it.

::takes out the middle::

shortly thereafter the croc fled in the fearsome-terror-inspiring-awesomeness of my presence.

now where the middle should be theres a story ala tarentino yo.

had you witnessed this first hand you would have seen me offer up my meat filled lunch to the croc. by luring him with in onto the back of our craft. keeping in mind the local over my shoulder telling me this was a bad idea. I mustered all my vast mental powers, and utterly disregarded his addmonishing.

so here the picture, 4 foot croc on extended water level platform.... kentos between croc and terrified local, sandwhich between kentos and croc...(arnt profile views fun, its like a side scroller).

so I take a bite (convicing the croc that it was okay to do the same). and tear off a generous portion of the sandwhich and fed it to carl the croc. his oh so toothy grin assured me, he enjoyed it. But you see carls problem was he was greedy. and started comin oh so very close. with that look people get when you give them a sandwhich... they're oh so very good and they want more, and something told me my new friend carl wasn't above stabbing me in the back for the price of an extra value meal with a side of kentos... apparently crocs dont have very big ears or dont speak spanish. neither would surprise me. so after telling him to shooo in four languages. his mouth started to open, at me, seemingly saying "get in" now I'm not usually one to go jumping in crocs mouths, so I didnt. but i did summon my mental records concerning pre-historic animals to remember that they open their mouths much slower than they close them, so flinging my foot out in a less-than ninja like manner I landed my foot square on the tip of his nose-snort-thingy. Now this must have not been very pleasant for him, because he reeled back hissing at me (all to late I relized I should've hissed to communicate with him) and slid off into the water. doing the only admirable thing I could think of, I honored him by tossing the rest of the sandwhich into the water, and immortalized him in this email.

well played carl, well played!!

thats probably gunna be the high point of the trip, if not my life, I know your thinking what was I thinking or why, and I'll tell you what I was thinking and why

WHY?? I never feed a croc, let alone kicked one... Have you? That was reason enough... plus the age old motto of my life 'tos on the noes is now official, further more my desire to return to the states in one piece is not so great that I'd risk not kicking a croc, and only having a lame story of how I almost feed a croc but crapped out cause it seemed safe and 20 feet away seemed so resonable a view.

and what I was thinkin' truth is I ummm damn what was I thinking? I guess with re-analysis of said situation I was thinkin hey I'll give this croc a sandwhich and we'll be bestest friends, best meal of his life, right and maybe me for dessert... or maybe I was thinking I'd get eaten and it'd make headlines. or if I escaped with only one limb lost I would've taken my pain and sensation as re-assurance that I'm still alive, either way. kentos 1. Croc 0. all limbs accounted for no blood loss I made out pretty good for my first time croc-wrestlin'.

I might go see him tomorrow, take him flowers with a get well soon card attached.I really hope I didn't break anything, I mean plastic surgerey for a nose can be expensive.

I hope you've all enjoyed this email as much as I've enjoyed putting it to paper
or whatever this thing is. until you read of me again... Dont do anything you suspect I believe to be a good idea. but do at least one thing everyday that would make me proud.

Crocodile Dealer-Wither Extraordinar

So there you have it. I don't know of anything else that describes The Amazing Lord Kentos any better than that. He's always been crazy, but now that he's out of the country he is raising the bar and doing things some people only dream of.

I say huzzah!


No comments: